With the quarantine came a lot of creative starvation, and a product of that was the 2021 remake of Cinderella starring Fifth Harmony’s Camilla Cabello.
Right off the bat, the costume and set design were actually really creative and gorgeous, and I absolutely lived for Billy Porter’s narration-especially in the introduction of the stepsisters (With the exception of the ‘yaaaaas future queen’ line…) Idina Menzel is actually a really funny stepmother, in a subtle ‘bad guy’ way, I can appreciate the lack of “hahaha, yes I am in fact, the bad guy,” energy. The stepsisters were surprisingly funny and somewhat likable. I actually find the stepsisters really enjoyable to watch, as they didn’t play up their unpleasantness to a ridiculous extreme.
That said, as the movie progresses it quickly became an almost, secondary album for Cabello instead of a Disney remake, which you would think if they wanted to highlight her vocals-they would at least autotune her enough to stay in tune, which my ears are still protesting hours later at being forced to listen to this soundtrack. Also, I want nothing more than to kick the mice as far as my unathletic stubby feet can. They give James Corden energy in the worst possible way. Please get them out of my sight, ASAP. edit: I just found out that Corden was in fact, a mouse which explains why I hate the mice so much.
In the effort of making Cinderella a modern girl-boss in an essential oil-selling world, they strip her of any possible redeeming qualities and replace the iconic dress with a tacky turquoise suit. She publicly mocks the king, overuses the quirky awkward stuttering to an extreme, and the dresses she makes aren’t even cute. What was the point, I hate it here.
The prince is so mind-numbingly stupid that it hurts my brain. Like, please do not make him Cinderella’s love interest. Please. As we get to know the rest of the kingdom, we are brought in with yet another rap number and I have gotten to the point of wishing to flood my ears with bleach 18 minutes in. I zoned out for a little bit admittedly, but oh no- they did NOT bring Somebody To Love by Queen into this monstrosity. That is desecrating Freddie Mercury’s grave. This just in, it’s a jukebox musical, spare me, please…
Idina Menzel singing Material Girl is a cover I didn’t know I needed and the harmonies pop but why why why is this a jukebox musical. What in the Kidz Bop is this?? Literally, the only redeeming aspect of this two-hour disaster is Billy Porter’s godmother, I love him, but, dude, find another girl to help. Save a girl whose lip-syncing lines up with the audio, you deserve better. Also, his transformation scene is actually really cool.
Ranting aside, this is a pretty, pointless, nonsensical cash grab. The costume and staging design is gorgeous-but that’s about it. Turns out, a musical makes no sense if the characters have no reason to sing. Go figure. Camilla Cabello is uninspired and unlikable, also out of tune-but that’s the least of this Cinderella’s problems. The song choices don’t make sense, there are too many plot errors to count in the spirit of girl-bossing, and ultimately was two hours of time I can never get back. The only lasting impression this movie leaves is the hours of sleep lost from sheer seething anger.